I’ve always had the urge to wander and explore. I remember being a child peering out of the car window on our long drives to San Diego and just wondering what was out there in the vast, great sky. When our family would go to the desert, I would find myself looking out into the distant night sky day-dreaming of distant lands and all of the unknown. As an adult (sometimes), I have not changed a single bit…except now, when I have the urge to wander, I do it.
I’m struggling with some health issues right now. For anyone who knows me, this seems insane. I eat well and live a healthy life-style. How could I be dealing with hormonal and thyroid issues?!?! I’m discovering that every single issue that I am experiencing is stemmed from stress. When I told a co-worker a little bit about this she was shocked. She told me that I am so laid back and that she would never think that I was an anxious ball of nervous energy all.the.time. Apparently, I hide it all very well.
Every six months or so I completely lose my shit. I hit a wall. I fall off the deep end. I crawl in a ball and rock in the corner…sometimes with a metal bowl on my head. This has been my pattern for YEARS and I have just realized it in the past year and a half. My daughter who is almost four now nearly died at 15 months. She had what is called intestinal-interseseption where her small intestine essentially telescoped into her large intestine. This happens to toddlers sometimes, except hers rounded the corner of her colon. They ended up removing 1/3 of her colon along with the small intestines that were telescoped inside and her appendix as this was also sucked inside her colon. I took six weeks off work and nearly starved to death in the meat-less, caffeine -less hospital we were at. It’s a good think I have always had a little junk in my trunk or I would have withered away. That’s an exaggeration, but my body has never been the same since this experience.
This was October 2012. I lost a significant amount of weight and while I looked great with clothes on…I did not look great naked. I’ve been blessed to naturally retain muscle….unless I stop eating and my body eats all of it’s muscle leaving me flabby, cellulity and weak (I take pride in being able to lift heavy stuff and keep up with the boys).
So here I am, almost three years later with ridiculously heavy periods, painful, cystic acne (finally under control), 15-20 lbs that refuse to leave me, insomnia, lack of focus, lack of motivation and then this month my period decides it has a new cycle to abide by and shows up nearly two weeks late….and in full effect.
I’m working through hormone testing and detoxing. I should have my saliva test next week to test all three estrogens, progesterone, E/P ratio, EQ, DHEA, testosterone, 4-point cortisol, but for now, I have to do what I can with what I have. I have to eat clean, manage my stress and remember how blessed I am.
Last weekend my man and I escaped to Big Bear, CA for a one-nighter. We had planned on camping at a yellow post, but the two we were thinking of were taken (it was nearly 4 PM on Saturday afternoon by the time we got up there). We drove along a back road, stopping to enjoy the views every 15-20 minutes and just loving every second of not knowing where we were going to camp.
We finally found a secluded little spot up and away from people and it over-looked the lake. After we opened up the tent, I set up our chairs and we just gazed off into the distance at the lake through pine trees and boulders. I love my boyfriend dearly and we have always connected over music, but sometimes, there is a time to listen to nature. In the mountains, nature speaks so loudly. I escaped the sound of his down-tempo beats and found a nice seat on a large, flat boulder fit for a mountain goddess. I watched the sun set over another set of mountains and breathed in that crisp mountain air. Each breath seemed to rejuvenate and restore my broken and weary soul.
As I listened to the wind move through the pines, I wondered to myself how I got here. I mean, I’m so blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I have two healthy kids, an amazingly supportive family, a man who loves every inch of me unconditionally and yet, I’m not happy. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be loved. I want to just be alone. I feel so bad for feeling this way, but I understand that it is not me…it’s my hormones. I have a severe imbalance and I’ve damaged my body by internalizing my stress.
We went to bed at 8 PM that night and slept until 7:30!! Talk about needing some rest!! We woke up, climbed out of our fortress and breathed in that fresh, crisp mountain air. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I did a few rounds of Sun A and Sun B on my goddess rock and we made some coffee in our JetBoil while enjoying a Lara Bar. Just reminiscing of this moment slows my heart rate. There is something about being in the wide open spaces that just feeds me.
When Jade was sick, people would note how well I was handling it. In my mind I felt like my world was crumbling with every breath. Looking back, I internalized it all and this set me on a down-hill spiral to eventually end up here… I had an instructor tell me at the end of last year that my nervous energy was making her nervous. I called her the following week for some emotional healing. I left the appointment feeling loved and full of light. I felt understood, I understood myself better. She sent me home with an audio-book on quantum physics and it changed my life….we become what we think. I took away a new favorite quote and a new outlook on life. “All we want, whether we are honeybees, ponderosa pines, coyotes, human beings or stars, is to love and be loved, to be accepted, cherished, and celebrated simply for being who we are. Is that so very difficult?”-Derrick Jensen
You see, if I do not make me a priority by meditating daily or stretching my body daily or eating well…I fall apart. I am a not a 1967 VW bug that takes abuse and keeps on running. I’m slightly embarrassed to say it, but I’m a Tesla…I’ve got extra trunk space and I’m super efficient, but if my tank isn’t full of love and light, this low emission machine isn’t going anywhere. I’m a smart-car, but with out the proper programing, I’m just taking up space.
Investing in my own health makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I’m worth it. I really love the quote by C. Joybell C. “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I am not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” I’m going to hold my shit together, take care of myself and feel better. I’m excited to help myself. I spend so much time and energy helping others that I forget about myself. I’m sure I’ll blog more on the hormone testing and detox as I not only find it fascinating, but I also think there are far more women dealing with these issues than just me.
In closing, Gautama Buddha says “You yourself, as much as any body in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” How true and sweet is that…
Love yourself first…